The times they are… have changed

“Learn anything good at school today?” is a question I ask the kids almost every night when I get home from work.
Most of the time, they can’t remember what they learnt and reply just with a surly grunt.

“Learn anything good at school today?” I asked thirteen year-old Harry, when I got in, this evening.  “Yep”, he replied promptly. “I learnt how to put a condom on”.
Well, that stopped me in my tracks, I can tell you.

“That’s, er, good” I said, trying to look unfazed and be cool about it. “I take it you didn’t actually put one on, but used a banana or cucumber?”

“Oh no”, he replied, “we used a dildo” Again, that stopped me in my tracks and I decided to leave it there.  The current Mrs Masher, however, was keen to hear more and pushed for more details.

“Well, we also learnt about various sexual diseases, like…” and he rattled off the names of several STDs.

“Anything else?”, Mrs M asked.

He thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, they showed us a femidom and showed us how that should be used and also, they showed us a plastic sheet that you put over your bum if you want to have anal sex.”

I got up out of the chair and went to make a cup of tea, leaving Mrs M to continue the interrogation.

I can remember the sex education that we got at school, back in nineteen filthy-lie. 
We were made to watch a video (a short film on a projector, as it was back then) in a darkened school hall, where we all giggled as naked pictures of men and women were shown to us, each with arrows pointing out their respective sexy bits.
Then, back in the classroom, we were all allowed to ask just one related question – anonymously, to save any embarrassment – by writing it on a piece of paper for the teacher to read out. I can’t remember exactly what my question was… something to do with breasts.

But I do remember the teacher reading it out and then looking straight at me as he answered it! 

And I remember going bright red with embarrassment.

I think I would have just curled up and died, if I’d been told to put a condom on a dildo!


  1. Frances

    Good grief ! Is it the practical next week?

  2. David Sheriton

    Dear God! I’ve gone right off plastic sheets!

    • Masher

      And so you should, Dave. They make things very sweaty, I’m sure.

  3. Alan

    I am keeping out of this one.

    • Masher

      No you won’t.

  4. Alan

    Well maybe just one comment. Did Harry say sorry to Mrs M for leaving her toy at school.

    • Masher

      Told you.

  5. vanessa

    Over here they get the woodwork kids to make the things to put the condoms on for sex ed classes….I wonder if they get to take them home at the end of term or if the teacher has a huge cupboard of them (maybe to sell off at the next fair??!)

    • Masher

      Wooden dildos?

  6. Arthur Conan Pewty

    At the remark “ l learnt how to put a condom on” I think the best response should have been “well that’s ok son but i hope they told you more importantly the important fact of life like how to put the kettle on, so off to the kitchen with you me lad and make your dad a cup of tea. By the time he’s come back it’ll all be forgotten but just in case he’s persistent, “err any chance of a hob nob with my cuppa perchance”

    I remember in my youth (before the war) when I was a young teenager we had a great big Bassett hound and I mean big, he could run all day, not fast but all day, trouble was he had the biggest pair of kn… errs he was as they say today, well endowed any road up it was decided by the vet that for his well being he should be mated.

    So off we go to some big posh gaff in Surrey to mate our rampant sex crazed Bassett with a pretty little bitch that to be honest shivered at sight of rather huge masculin Tinkillian Sofar or Ross as he was known.

    Well out into the garden they were ushered, go on boy… as my Dad, the posh people and me looked on. Well it was obvious to me she wasn’t receptive to his advances, and I hadn’t any school sex education behind me, apart from the rude girl two years above me but that’s another story.

    Any road up, when the powers at be finally realised loves young dream wasn’t happening my Dad said “Go on son out you go and give him a hand you know what to do”

    J E S U S !!!

    Talk about embarrased, ten minutes of me hovering about pretending to help was enough thankfully, off home we went, Ross in disgrace, with the biggest stiffy I’d ever seen took three days for him to walk properly again, poor ol soul.

    To sum it up I remember a line from Dads army

    Godfrey: The moving finger writes and having writ moves on

    Mainwairing: Why did you say that Godfrey?”

    Godfrey: “I don’t know really “

    • Masher

      That’s disgraceful behaviour Dr Pewty!
      I mean, how could anyone force something like that on a dog?
      You – and your parents – should be ashamed.
      Ross, is no name for a proud Bassett Hound.

  7. Jules

    Dear God. I would have walked off at the anal sex part. A dildo? They use a dildo?!!

    • Masher

      Yes. It’s all the rage.

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