As oft mentioned here before, most evenings I take the dog for a drag through the woods.

There are many footpaths that criss-cross their way through the woodland, but I usually take the path that runs almost at the perimeter, thereby giving the longest trip round.

It’s a well trodden path and I often meet other dog walkers and sometimes families just out for a walk, perambulating their way around the same circuit.

A couple of weeks ago, I was about halfway round, when I turned a corner and happened across a young couple sitting on a fallen tree. Upon seeing me, the chap immediately rolled off the tree and cowered down behind it. His girlfriend remained seated with her back to me as I walked past. I could hear her giggling slightly.

“Does your dog bite, mate?” he asked, “I’m scared of Alsations.”

I wasn’t taken in at all by his faux act of terror, as I knew he was just trying to cover the fact that his trousers were around his ankles: as I’d rounded the corner, I’d seen that his girl was giving him some hand-relief.

I shook my head at him, said nothing and continued on my way.

Amazingly, two days later, I saw them again in the same spot. This time they were standing up and snogging intensely, while she slowly wanked him off.  Lost in the moment, she had her eyes closed and he had his back to me as Saber and I approached. I must have got within ten feet of them before she opened her eyes and saw me. Immediately, her hand stopped moving up and down and she pulled him closer to her, to try and hide the fact that his cock was out of his trousers.

She looked at me as I walked past. Again, I said nothing, but nodded a greeting toward her and gave her a little smile.

She smiled back.

Now, I’ve got nothing against these youngsters getting up to such shenanigans in the woods – hell, we all did similar when we were young, I’m sure – but to do it right on one of the major footpaths?  Jeez! Go deeper into the woods, at least.

I thought that was it: having been caught a couple of times, they had moved elsewhere, but yesterday evening, as I rounded Handjob Corner (as I have now nicknamed it) I bumped into a lady wearing wellington boots, walking toward me.  She smiled and nodded a greeting and I did the same back. Then, as I took a few more steps  I saw the young couple again, in their usual spot.

This time, she was seated on the tree and he… was down on his knees, up close to her, again to hide the fact he was exposed (his trousers hanging down at the back were a giveaway).

I’m guessing that he had been standing there whilst his girlfriend gave him hand  (or maybe even oral – in that position she would have been at the right height for it) relief.  And then the welly boot lady had come round the opposite corner and he’d not had time to do anything but to drop to the ground to hide his embarrassment.

I slowed my walk down and went past very slowly, maximising the amount of time this chap had to stay on his knees in the mud.  His girlfriend looked at me as I ambled slowly past, and again we smiled greetings to each other, as her boyfriend remained motionless on his knees, his head buried in her bosom to hide his blushes.

If he had any.