People

Annoyed with myself

/ masher / 5 Comments

I took the dog  on her usual walk through the woods yesterday.  Despite the continued warning of impending rain, it was still a warm, bright Summer’s evening.

As we walked along one of the many paths that criss-cross the woods,  I spotted through the trees to my right, a young girl, also walking her dog.  The path she was on ran at 90 degrees to mine and I calculated that we would meet up at the intersection at about the same time, and so I slowed my walk to allow her and her dog to pass by.

But, she didn’t pass by. Instead she reached the crossroads, turned right and was now walking dead ahead of me, on the same path.

Although I was walking not very far behind her, she seemed oblivious to my presence as – like most teenagers -she was glued to her phone screen.  She looked to be about fifteen years of age and even though the schools are currently on their Summer Break, she was wearing what looked like school uniform. Actually, let me correct that: she was wearing the sort of schoolgirl uniform that often features in porn films… white blouse and socks and a short tartan skirt.

Very short.

I followed her along the path for a while,  but it didn’t feel right: I didn’t feel comfortable.  A sixty year-old man following a fifteen year-old girl in the woods… that’s not right.

Or is it?

I wasn’t doing anything wrong: I was just innocently walking my dog and I certainly had no intentions of doing anything else.

But it felt uncomfortable for me.   It felt wrong.

I stopped walking for a minute or so and the dog and I stood by a tree and waited for the girl to put some distance between us before we set off again – walking slowly, so that we didn’t catch her up.

It  really annoyed me that I had to do that – even if I was only doing it just to satisfy my own insecurity about the situation.

Twelve minutes

/ masher / 11 Comments

The home phone rang yesterday morning.  I looked at the CallerID. It showed the dialing code for Sheffield. “Ooh, this could be interesting”, I thought.

I answered it and waited a few seconds for someone at the other end to pick up.

A strong Indian accent told me that it was Andrew calling from Microsoft.

“Hi Andrew”, I said, “are you calling from the Indian office?” The delay on the line indicated that it was definitely long distance.

“No sir, I am calling from Birmingham in the UK.  I am calling because our servers are picking up error…”

“So you’re not in India?”

“No sir. Our servers are picking up…”

“Or Sheffield?”

“No no, I am calling from Birmingham. Our servers are picking up error messages from your computer which indicate that someone is trying to hack into it and we would like to help you fix this”

“Hold on! A hacker, you say?  In my computer? That’s not good.  He could do untold damage in there!”

“Yes sir, that is why we would like to help you fix it. Are you in front of your computer?”

“I mean, he would gain access to all of my bank accounts and could steal all of my money. I’ve read about this sort of thing happening. What should I do?”

“Sir, I will help you fix this.  Please press the Windows key and R at the same time. Now type CMD. What do you see?”

“A black window has opened. I’ve never seen that before. Is that right?”

“Yes. Now please type…” He proceeded to give me several commands to type in, but somehow I kept spelling them wrong. We tried this for several minutes before he decided he should pass me to his ‘supervisor’.   A few seconds passed then an even stronger Indian accent came on the line.  He identified himself as Richard and explained that he would help me by showing me the problem.

“Please open your Google browser and type…”

“I don’t use Google”

“OK, open Internet Explorer and…”

“I don’t use that either”

“What browser do you use?”

“Brave”

“Huh?”

“Brave”

“Er, I… please just open whatever you use and type in ‘support.me’ and tell me what you see”.   I followed his instructions, but of course, this took several attempts because I kept spelling it wrong. Eventually I got there.

“OK, I have a page with a box asking for a six-digit code”

“Good. Please enter the code that Microsoft gave you when you bought the computer.”   Hmmm, OK, this was a new twist.

“Sorry, I don’t remember Microsoft giving me a code”

“If you don’t have it, I can generate a new code for you”.  Ahh, I see what you’re doing. Clever.

“No, hold on, I have the paperwork here somewhere, if you will just give me a minute.”

“Sir, I will generate a new code to save you time. Right, our server has now generated a new six-digit code for you. Please type in ‘q… 3… capital D…”

I looked at the clock and – fun as this was – I only had five minutes before my 10:00 meeting.

“Hold on”, I said, “how can you generate a new code for me when you haven’t even asked for my account details?”

“Our server is able to do this sir, we already have all your account details. Please type q…”

“OK then. if you have all my details, what’s my name?”

There was a few seconds pause, then “Oh go fuck yourself!” and he put the phone down on me.

I’m thinking of writing to Microsoft in Birmingham (or Sheffield) and putting in a strongly worded complaint about Richard.

Ace

/ masher / 8 Comments

In order to celebrate Mrs. Queen’s birthday… or Jubilee – whichever one it was we were celebrating yesterday – I went down to the Ace Cafe in that there London, to have a celebratory nosh-up.

As one of our band doesn’t yet have a full licence, we had to avoid the motorway and take the much slower route out through Snorbans and along the A41, skirting round Watford, through Elstree and Mill Hill to pick up the North Circ.  But, it was a really nice ride… until we got into London and all the the traffic and roadworks that goes with it.

But, it was worth it.  As ever, the Ace laid on a fantastic breakfast (just where do they get their sausages, they are the BEST!) but they also put on some entertainment in the form of a band in the car park playing rock & roll from the fifties and a barbecue. And some other stuff.

The German chapter of the Warlocks Motorcycle Club put in an appearance and stood around drinking beer and looking like ZZ Top. I tried to have a quick chat with one of them, but his English was worse than my German – and that’s saying something!

Whilst there were plenty of bikes there,  for some reason there was also quite a gathering of Audi Quattros.  I have no idea why or what the significance  would have been to Mrs. Queen and her birthday / Jubilee.

But, it was a great atmosphere and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves – especially those that had dressed in fifties dancing gear and were twisting the day away to the music in the car park.

A great time… tempered only by the even worse traffic and roadworks on the way home.

Nerds Day Out

/ masher / 9 Comments

On Friday, a couple of mates from work and myself, took a day off and visited NPL – the National Physical Laboratory – in Teddington.

It was this:  most excellent.

It was also this:  wondrous.

Friday, as I am sure you are aware, was International Metrology Day and is the one day a year that NPL open their doors to the public.

We hadn’t realised that the place was so big and had so much to see.  In the nearly four hours that we were there, I doubt we saw half of the stuff that they had opened up to the public – there were still plenty of doors marked as No Entry.  But the stuff that we did see, was fascinating.

Mostly.

We saw so much, that I can’t remember a lot of it, but one of  the highlights for me was seeing the actual laser(s) that defines (for the UK)  how long a metre is.

And we also saw* a single ion trapped inside an Ion Trap.

But my personal favourite was seeing the Caesium Fountain device (well, a replica, as the real one was behind one of those locked doors) that provides the standard that UK time is derived from.

It was a great day out and I would urge anyone with any scientific curiosity to go visit. Next year.

And yesterday, we had our long-awaited (cancelled for the past two years due to Covid) local Amateur Radio Rally, where hundreds of radio and electronics nerds gathered together in a field and bought a load of old tat from each other.  I showed great restraint in only spending twenty-five quid – thirty-five if you include the three cups of tea and a sausage and egg roll.

A fun weekend.

*we couldn’t actually see it

It’s In The Stars

/ masher / 5 Comments

Isn’t astrology wonderful? The ability to look through space (and time) and see not only new worlds but also to see the creation and evolution of stars and galaxies.

No, hold on… that’s astronomy, that is… a proper science.

Astrology is, well… a load of crystal balls.

With it’s roots firmly planted in the distant past, when the supernatural was considered a science, it purports to predict a person’s future through the alignment of celestial bodies such as the sun, the moon and the planets, along with various star systems.  Pure hokum.

And yet, as per my earlier post, people believe in this. Hundreds of thousands of them, all over the world.

Mad.

There are many charlatans astrologers out there, earning a decent living through making this stuff up, so I thought it might be fun to take a look at what they are predicting for me.  And, I figured that if there is any veracity in this at all, then if I were to check predictions from several different charlatans astrologers, then surely there must be some crossover: surely some of their predictions will match up somewhere.

So, here is my horoscope, from several of the higher profile charlatans astrologers for today:

Mystic Meg – The Sun
Finding and keeping work that feels like fun comes closer once you switch off your self-doubt.
And talking honestly about your skills can be the key to helping this happen.
Being bolder in love comes more easily the more you practise – and yes, a neighbour to the left of you is longing for you to try.

OK, I do have a neighbour to the left of me, so you got that bit right. I wonder what it is that she is keen for me to try.

Russel Grant – Daily Express
It is not a day to take everything that everyone says too seriously. If a business rival manages to damage your confidence by getting to you through their insensitive comments, you have let them win. Don’t make any rash decisions based on another person’s thoughtless remarks.

I never take things seriously and I don’t think I have any business rivals.

Elle Magazine
Your candid perspective could land you in hot water today, as the moon fires up your forthright ninth house. Try to tone down the bluntness if possible—a little diplomacy will go a long way. This is especially important if you’re delivering feedback to a sensitive person. Is it really worth starting World War III over this inconsequential detail? The same thing holds true for any social media rants you’re tempted to post. Ask yourself—do you really feel like spending your day battling trolls?

Damn! I hate it when the moon does that to my ninth house!  WW3? Is Putin a Taurean, I wonder?  And I don’t do social media, so fighting trolls is out of the question.

Michele Knight – The UK’s Favourite Astrologer (apparently)
A month to the day after Mars not only left your financial sector but ended all planetary activity on this side of the financial fence until later in the year, the Moon is here with a chance to check in. As well as fuelling your financial instincts and imagination, as you become more emotionally and intuitively engaged this will help you to reconnect with the financial passions and fighting spirit the warrior planet of the cosmos left you with. Mars may have moved on but he has left you with the means to take your financial power back.

Ahh, so that’s why I was skint last month: Mars made me spend all that money. Or was it the moon? No, it can’t have been the moon, as that was busy buggering up my ninth house.

So, there you have it.  Nothing matches up and everything said could apply to anyone at anytime. Spout enough drivel to enough people and at some point you’ll get it right.

But, fortunately for me, us Taureans don’t believe in such nonsense.

Mad

/ masher / 8 Comments

There are a small group of people in our society who are – it has to be said – completely mad.

OK, that sounds a bit harsh, but I have examples.

Conspiracy theorists – OK, a good conspiracy theory can be quite absorbing, but there are some that really shouldn’t still be doing the rounds.  It’s hard to believe that there are people out there – intelligent people in some cases – who still don’t believe the moon landings happened.  They believe that it was all faked. That billions of dollars were spent in developing and building rockets, but the landings themselves were filmed in a studio somewhere.  What about the thousands of people who worked there? It’s been over fifty years… if it was all faked, someone would have spoken up by now.

Mad.

Then there are those that believe in The Illuminati: a secret cabal of powerful people, who secretly run the world for their own benefit. Supposedly, they have the secret to reverse climate change but won’t reveal it until they have garnered trillions of dollars from the oil industry… which they also run.

Mad.

Flat Earthers.  Yes, they are still around. Those that believe – despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary – that the Earth is is not a sphere, but is actually flat.  And this is despite all the photographic and scientific evidence to the contrary. I find it extraordinary that in this day and age, there are people that believe such things.  Even more extraordinary is that this seems to be a growing movement. The Flat Earth Society has members all over the globe.

Totally mad.

And then, of course, there’s David Icke, who believes that the Royal Family are actually shapeshifting lizards.  Not only that, but they are also part of the Illuminati.

Stark raving bonkers.

Case rested.

Progress

/ masher / 8 Comments

Well, that was hard work!

Yesterday, we (me and my dad) fitted the new electric sockets in the study.

The photo only shows a third of what was done and it was before we plastered.

My knees ache like buggery this morning!

So, today will bring some more rubbing down and some finishing plaster; washing down with sugar soap and then painting the ceiling.

It’s not the Cistene Chapel, so it shouldn’t take too long to slap some white emulsion on it.

With any luck, I should have time to paint the walls.

Last night, we went to the pictures, to see Uncharted.

Starring Mark Wahlberg and Tom Holland, it was an enjoyable romp – a sort of Indiana Jones meets Spiderman cross.

Annoyingly, we had planned to grab something to eat in Nando’s first, but there was a huge queue, so we ended up in KFC.

Queueing to get into Nando’s?

On a Tuesday?

And on the subject of queueing, there was also a queue to get into Wagamama’s.

It doesn’t matter what day we go, there is ALWAYS a queue to get into Wagamama’s.

What’s the draw? It’s just noodles, isn’t it?

I’d love to go in one day and see what the attraction is… but there’s always a queue.

Beauty and the beast

/ masher / 3 Comments

As I was walking with the dog up the long path this morning, I saw another dog walker coming toward me.

Nothing unusual there, except that this one wasn’t walking: she was jogging.

With her dog.

And she was  gorgeous!

Imagine, if you will, a young Cheryl Ladd, wearing a bright red tracksuit.

She beamed at me as she passed. “Good morning”, she said, a bit breathlessly.

I returned the salutation, feeling slightly breathless, myself.

And then, tearing my eyes away from this vision of loveliness,  I noticed her running companion, an English Bull Terrier.

I know they say that owners can sometimes grow to look like their pets… I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen here!

On the throne

/ masher / 7 Comments

Mrs Queen has sat on the throne for seventy years, now.

Which is a long time, gawd bless ‘er.

But, even after 30 years together, I can tell you that Mrs Masher has never seen me sitting on it.

Some things are just… well, private.

I’ve seen her sitting on the toilet loads of times though, as she has no qualms about coming in and having a dump whilst I am in the shower or cleaning my teeth.

Is that a female thing?

I remember going out with a girl many years ago and the first time I stayed over at her place, I was shocked when she casually walked into the bathroom the following morning and started taking a shit whilst I was in the bath (she did it in the toilet, not in the bath, I hasten to add!).

Maybe girls don’t have that kind of hang up?

Or maybe men don’t have that kind of hang up either and it’s just me?

Not Staying In

/ masher / 5 Comments

I went out, yesterday.

Actually out out.

Out of this little room which, – because it doubles up as my home office and my play room – I sit in for far too many hours of the day,

So, I went to High Wycombe.  What’s in High Wycombe?

I don’t know… I never went there to see the sights.

I went there to audit one of our installation teams: a Health and Safety audit, to ensure they are following the company safety protocols and are working in a safe manner.

Which, I’m pleased to say, they were.

I got talking to the customer – a nice ol’ boy – and we had a good chat whilst we stood in the bright sunshine, watching the team do their work.

And then he opened his double garage door, so his wife could get her little Suzuki car out.

Inside, parked next to the Suzuki, in pristine condition, was a 1931 M-Type MG, similar to the one in the photo above. It was probably worth a fortune.

We talked about it for a bit and then he pulled a sheet off a vintage Rudge motorcycle that he was restoring. It needed a bit of work, but was in good nick and will probably look a bit like this picture when it’s finished.

“Gives me something to do”, he said, with a smile.

Two  Hondas dating back twenty-plus years, sat in one corner. I took a shine to the CB250 which, although a little dusty, was in perfect condition.  He explained how his daughter had bought it in 1999 so that she could go out riding with her boyfriend.  They had then split up just a few weeks later and the bike had sat in the garage ever since. I checked the odometer – it had just 184 miles on the clock.

It crossed my mind to make him an offer, but then I quickly realised I don’t need two bikes AND if this bike has sat in his garage for over twenty years, he obviously had no plans to sell it, anyway.

Before long, the job was finished. The customer was happy with the work and the team set off to do their next job.  I headed home, but realised that I wouldn’t get back in time for my 11:30 Teams meeting. I thought about pulling up somewhere and hot-spotting from my phone, but then I had a better idea and called in to see my cousin, who lived not too far away.  She was surprised to see me. “Can I avail myself of your kettle and your Wi-Fi?”, I asked.

Of course!

I sat in her spacious kitchen, drinking tea and eating Garibaldi biscuits, whilst those on the call wondered as to the different background behind me.

We had another cup of tea and chatted for a bit before I headed home.

All in all, it was a really pleasant day.

I must get out more.

Always one

/ masher / 5 Comments

I’ll often bump into fellow dog walkers whilst out exercising the mutt.

In fact, there is quite a friendly bunch over the field where I usually go on my way to the woods, and we’ll often stop and chat whilst the dogs chase each other round the field.

I don’t know any of them by name, but I know all their dog’s names… which is enough.

And they all know Saber and fuss over her like she’s one of their own.

But, of course, there’s always one.

Saturday morning, I was running Saber over the field. I always do it in three short stints: one at the top of the field; one in the middle and one at the bottom, just before we exit.

It was early and there was no-one around, as I cast the laser pen in a figure of eight for her to chase at the top of the field.

A bloke entered at the top, on the metalled footpath that runs the full length of the field and I noticed he had a brown  border collie on a lead, but other than that, I paid him no attention.

Saber and I walked further down the field and I got her chasing the laser again, in a large figure of eight. I noticed that the bloke and his dog had stopped a little way off and was watching us. Again, I thought nothing of it, as people often stop and watch – I’ve even had someone film it on their phone, before now.

We then walked down to the last bit at the bottom of the field.   I stopped and got Saber to sit whilst I took a few steps back in order to get a good swinging arc of the laser pen.

“ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT OR SOMETHING!”

I looked up. There was no-one around except this bloke and his collie dog, standing on the footpath about twenty meters away.

“EXCUSE ME?  YOU GOT A PROBLEM?” I said back to him, in a raised voice.

“I AM TRYING TO GET PAST, BUT YOU KEEP STOPPING TO RUN YOUR BLOODY DOG”

I was a bit confused at that, as we were on the grass, about three meters away from the footpath: there was plenty of room for him to pass by.

“SO, WHY DON’T YOU WALK PAST? THERE’S PLENTY OF ROOM”, I shouted back at him, pointing to the footpath as I did so.

He pointed to the scruffy collie stood beside him. “THIS ONE DOESN’T GET ON WELL WITH OTHER DOGS SO WE NEED MORE ROOM TO PASS”

“AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?” I said.

“THAT’S WHY HE’S ON A LEAD!!”

“AGAIN, WHY WOULD I KNOW THAT?”

He didn’t reply but just stood there staring at me.

I took a couple of steps back and called Saber over. She sat at my feet, paying no attention whatsoever to this stupid man and his dog, her eyes transfixed on the laser pen in my hand.

“GO ON THEN, GO PAST”, I shouted, waving him though in a dramatic fashion.

He walked past and I wanted to make some kind of sarcastic comment about him being such a pleasant individual. But I didn’t, I just glowered at him. He kept his eyes firmly forward and if he had looked my way, I probably would have said something, but he didn’t.  His dog stopped and growled at us, but still he kept his eyes forward and just yanked the lead, dragging the dog along with him.

I don’t know why, but this stupid man really angered me. Any normal, polite person would have said “Excuse me, but my dog isn’t very friendly. Would you mind giving us a bit of room while we get past”, which would have been absolutely fine, of course. But instead, he decided to call me a fucking idiot, for not knowing that he had an anti-social dog.

The fucking idiot.

Ullo John…

/ masher / 5 Comments

… gotta new motor?

We picked up Son’s new car, yesterday.

When I say ‘new’, I mean it’s new to him, of course.

A nice little Hyundai that is in very good nick for it’s age and has reasonably low mileage. It seems to go OK and ticks over nicely. My only complaint would be that the clutch feels a bit heavy – but that might be partly due to the fact that I’ve not used a clutch pedal in six years. And yes, I did stall it a couple of times at first.  But I think it’s a great little starter car for him.

With Son in the passenger seat, I drove it up to the local Halfords, so we could get some essentials for him:  magnetic L plates; a steering wheel lock and some floor mats.  But first, we stopped at the nearest petrol station, as this thing was already running on fumes.

And there was my first dilemma: will this run OK on the new E5 fuel?

Second dilemma: hold on, what is the new one? Is it E5 or E10?    Driving a diesel, I’d not paid much attention to this new fuel grade.  A bit of Googling in the corner of the forecourt revealed that E10 was the new one and E5 the old.  I opted for the older fuel, as that is what this car had likely been run on for most of it’s life (a later bit of researched told me that all Hyundai cars built since 2005 are able to run on the newer fuel).

I instructed Son on how to fill up – another first – and then after we’d made our purchases at Halfords, I drove over to a nearby industrial estate, where we slapped the L plates on front and back and swapped seats.

I have to say, it was a little bit daunting having my little boy behind the wheel (little? He’s nearly as tall as me, now).

But, he did OK. The roads on the estate were wide and there was some, but not a lot of,  traffic.

There was definitely a couple of dodgy moments though:  “Right, we’re coming up to a roundabout, so you need to slow down a bit…  see that lorry coming round?  You’ll need to give way to him, so slow down … slow down… SLOW DOWN!”

But, as I say, on the whole he didn’t do too bad, considering he’s only had a couple of lessons so far.

He didn’t even seem too fazed when he stalled it at a roundabout and the impatient BMW driver behind us started tooting his horn after about 3 seconds.

What is it, with some people?