“Learn anything good at school today?” is a question I ask the kids almost every night when I get home from work.
Most of the time, they can’t remember what they learnt and reply just with a surly grunt.
“Learn anything good at school today?” I asked thirteen year-old Harry, when I got in, this evening. “Yep”, he replied promptly. “I learnt how to put a condom on”.
Well, that stopped me in my tracks, I can tell you.
“That’s, er, good” I said, trying to look unfazed and be cool about it. “I take it you didn’t actually put one on, but used a banana or cucumber?”
“Oh no”, he replied, “we used a dildo” Again, that stopped me in my tracks and I decided to leave it there. The current Mrs Masher, however, was keen to hear more and pushed for more details.
“Well, we also learnt about various sexual diseases, like…” and he rattled off the names of several STDs.
“Anything else?”, Mrs M asked.
He thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, they showed us a femidom and showed us how that should be used and also, they showed us a plastic sheet that you put over your bum if you want to have anal sex.”
I got up out of the chair and went to make a cup of tea, leaving Mrs M to continue the interrogation.
I can remember the sex education that we got at school, back in nineteen filthy-lie.
We were made to watch a video (a short film on a projector, as it was back then) in a darkened school hall, where we all giggled as naked pictures of men and women were shown to us, each with arrows pointing out their respective sexy bits.
Then, back in the classroom, we were all allowed to ask just one related question – anonymously, to save any embarrassment – by writing it on a piece of paper for the teacher to read out. I can’t remember exactly what my question was… something to do with breasts.
But I do remember the teacher reading it out and then looking straight at me as he answered it!
And I remember going bright red with embarrassment.
I think I would have just curled up and died, if I’d been told to put a condom on a dildo!